THOUGHT PRETZELS™

To conserve energy, human brains are programmed to trace the same neural pathways over and over. I've been thinking about this a lot.

Your only flaw is your belief that you are imperfect.

There are many truths. And if you disagree, you are wrong.

I’ve always had the ability to see any situation from any perspective. It is a wonderful blessing and a horrible curse.

People who blame others are the cause of all the problems in the world.

Tell me how I need to change so that you'll love me for who I am.

I can't stand intolerant people.

I don’t understand how anything could be inexplicable.

Circular reasoning is the best kind of reasoning, because it's circular.

I don’t find irony particularly funny, but it's the only form of humor I'm good at.

I never make sweeping generalizations. People who do are all idiots.

Someone stole my mood ring and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

—Tracy Jordan, "30 Rock"

Don't feel bad about yourself just because you have low self-esteem.

My stupid, awesome therapist thinks I might be bipolar.

Sorry, but I never apologize to anyone.

Is statistics really a science? Probably.

Self-sacrifice is my passion, but I never engage in it, because that would be selfish.

Anyone who believes that anyone who believes differently from them is delusional is delusional.

Nobody goes to Waikiki beach any more, it's too crowded.

I guess your objective reality is a lot different than mine.

I never give out unsolicited advice. You should do the same.

If I was in control, I would force everyone to do whatever they wanted.

Sometimes it’s best to give up. For example... when trying to think of examples of when giving up is a good idea.

Either everything is a false dichotomy, or nothing is.

I hate ambiguity and other stuff.

Does anyone really understand cognition?

I don’t trust skeptics.

People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care.

There are only a few people who know how famous I am.

—Tom Zampino

I’m completely open-minded, and I refuse to consider any other way of thinking.

Some people say debate is a good process for seeking truth, but I disagree.

Anyone who thinks they need a therapist should have their head examined.

Everyone who confuses correlation and causation ends up dying.

People who believe in stereotypes are all alike.

I’m trying to become less self-centered, and I think everyone should recognize how much progress I’ve made.

I read a newpaper article about how people don’t trust the media. I don’t believe it.

I cancelled my cable and signed up for Netflix, and now it’s so much cheaper for me to watch documentaries about how evil executives cut costs to save money.

My anger management class really pisses me off.

I’m starting a solipsist club. Who wants to join me?

I never judge anyone without first deciding what kind of person they are.

I am shocked that anyone is shocked at anything these days.

Nothing is imperceptible.

It’s wonderful how everyone understands world issues so much better than everyone else.

i think it should be illegal to say anything bad about free speech.

Everyone has been brainwashed to believe everyone who believes differently from them has been brainwashed.

Misunderstandings are far more common than disagreements. If you disagree, you probably just don’t understand.

I don’t believe people should impose their beliefs on others, and you better believe the same… or else.

It’s wise to worry about money so you never have to worry about money. 

Great art always leaves something for the audience to ___________.

I heard the craziest conspiracy theory the other day... it was that everyone who believes in a conspiracy theory is crazy.

It really hurts my feelings when people say offensive speech should be banned.

I made up a new word: plagiarism.

Christopher Hitchens once wrote, “I always think it's a sign of victory when they move on to the ad-hominem.” Yeah, of course HE would say that.

I never bring up things from the past, and I've been telling you that for years.

In order to understand recursive functions, you must first understand recursive functions.

I hate the excessive use of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!

So these two clowns are eating this cannibal, and one clown says to the other, "Hey, I think we screwed this joke up."

Leos don’t believe in astrology.

I’ve successfully fooled myself into believing I can fool myself into believing things.

I am destined to believe in free will.

I’m trying to stop procrastinating. I’ll start tomorrow.

Two things I hate:

1. lists

2. irony

3. inaccuracies

I don’t need anyone’s approval, and I’d really appreciate it if you agreed.